Likewise, there is a story to be told in the area of void between my last blog post and this one. There is a story in the negative space between getting married and having our miracle daughter, Coralee Noelle. An intricate tale exists in the space created where 4 angel babies were and, because of 3 miscarriages, are no longer. But the shape that was created in those areas of void is much richer than a story of missing babies (who aren’t actually missing, they’re in Heaven, rejoicing around the throne)…
And that is the area of my investigation…
Avoiding my blog was, in part, an act of denial. If I closed my eyes tightly enough, and like an ostrich, buried my head beneath the sand, maybe I would not have to fully face the reality of my losses. But, I have also purposefully avoided my blog in order to keep my “followers.” People follow blogs because they’re full of pictures of kids in baseball uniforms distractedly chasing butterflies at t-ball practice, full of funny stories detailing camping trips where crazy raccoons invaded the tents and ate all the food while everyone was hiking, full of pinterest-esque images documenting how to make a knock-their-socks-off chocolate raspberry soufflé, full of life and full of joy. For pity sake, my blog is titled, “the Song of my Heart.” No one wants to hear a sad song. And no one wants to follow a sad blog. So I just stopped updating mine. 3 years later I’m staring at the void. What happened in the space between?
Maturity happened.
Faith-building happened.
(Home-ownership happened!)
Empathy happened.
Friendships happened.
Healing happened.
Maturity & Faith-building happened.
For a time after my 3rd miscarriage, I incorrectly believed that God had left me, forsaken me, and did not love me anymore. I struggled to understand, “why.” Why is this happening to me? Am I being punished? If God really loved me, why would He allow this to happen to me AGAIN? If this is a trial or a test, does He really believe I can bear this burden a third time? Did I fail the test the first and second times? Why do I have to keep retaking this damn test? Haven’t I suffered enough?
Thankfully, I received sound advice from women in my church & I ran to God with these questions, I pressed in to Him even when I was angry with Him. I didn’t get and still haven’t got the answers to all of my questions, but He was not scared off by them and He loved me through them. In italics are excerpts from my journal after my 3rd miscarriage:
“I want to believe that you are my healer, that you are all I need, that you are more than enough. I want to believe that nothing is impossible for you. But I’m not sure I do. Healer? Where are you? Hope? Where is it? I’m drowning in this grief, Lord, and I can’t see you!”
In Isaiah 43: 1-4, the Lord says, “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you”
God NEVER said, “IF you go through the waters.” He says, “WHEN.” “WHEN you go through the waters, I will be with you.” This tells me that as a believer, as a dearly beloved daughter of the most High Priest, I will experience hardship. I will pass through deep waters!! We live in a fallen world. Sin takes it’s toll on the body, it is withering away as I type. Bad things happen, including miscarriages. But God is still good. He is with us in the storm (even when it doesn’t feel like it). God was working and active during those years of loss. In the midst of the storm, He was growing and maturing me in my faith and in my dependence on Him because He loves me.
“Lord, this song says, ‘You never let go of me, through the calm and through the storm.’ I’m in a storm, Lord, and I’m afraid that I’m drowning in the sorrow. I can’t breathe. The waves are tossing me. I’m being pulled under. Lord, please don’t let go of me! I’m worn out. I’m exhausted. It feels like I’m fighting a losing battle. And it doesn’t feel like you’re on my side of this battlefield, Lord…”
Battlefields. They really reveal your areas of strength and weakness, don’t they? The soldiers that are left standing at the end of the battle are those who know how to fight well, they fight smart! An old friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer around the same time of my miscarriages. In response to her diagnosis, she and her husband created a blog titled, “We Kicked Cancer’s Butt.” I remember being so inspired by her confidence and faith in God’s healing. Impressed by how she fought that battle in a way that pointed others toward Jesus. http://www.wekickedcancersbutt.blogspot.com
My battle revealed an ability to run toward God, rather than away from Him. But, I wish I had been as fearless and as confident in the face of suffering as my friend. How did she do it? From what I can tell, she did not allow herself to become consumed by her circumstances. Too often, I was consumed by circumstance: grief-stricken rather than purposefully joyful (James 1:1-18), surviving rather than conquering (Romans 8:28-39).
Why did I feel so tired? So beat down? So defeated? For starters, my body went through 3 traumas in 2 years. More importantly, though, I was not fully equipped to wage the emotional and spiritual war that was raging. I went into the battle half-dressed (if you know me, my being half-dressed is probably not that surprising-ha ha). Scripture tells us to put on the FULL armor of God. If I was half-dressed for battle, it’s no wonder I felt beat down, right?
I know I did the best I could at the time. But you can’t win a 3-year battle without your shoes and your sword! Hello….McFly! (10 bonus points for those who got the reference). I know God loves me and does not condemn me. I don’t judge myself, either. I just wish I could have grieved in a way that was even more honoring to God, that pointed more people toward Jesus instead of toward my pain.
My friend Elizabeth and I have discussed coming to a place in our faith where we have asked God for a do-over. We have asked for an opportunity to face another battle (a small one this time, please?) with grace, dignity and a victorious stance. A chance to flex our faith muscles on the battlefield. Only this time we will be wearing the entire armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18). I now stand firmly, (more) ready to fight well, to ride the waves of future storms more confidently. Thank God that in my weakness He is made strong!
Empathy & Friendships happened.
In the midst of the sorrow, I could not understand see that anything positive was happening in my life. I now can see one of the benefits is I can be a more empathetic person. I am grateful for the empathy the “void” has given me. I can say to a person who is in the throws of sorrow, “I understand how you must feel” and really mean it. Because I get it. I really get it.
God brought women into my life in those 3 years, women who were struggling with their own miscarriages. They had been grieving in secret, hidden places. And through my public expression of grief, God opened a door for them to reach out to me. He allowed me to love on and encourage and pray for them, to get my eyes off of me and to get them, to understand and empathize.
When I moved to Texas 4 years ago, I was heartbroken about leaving my family & my best friends, worried about the prospect of starting over. The older you get, the harder it is to find friends who you can trust to be lovingly honest with, who you don’t have to clean your house for, who you can go shopping with and who can say, “no that shirt’s shape doesn’t accentuate your best parts at all, but this outfit does, YES, YES, YES! Buy it!”
I remember asking Nick to go shopping with me about a year into our marriage. And then crying, telling him that while I did have friends here, I did not have a BEST friend, that person I could go shopping with so, for now, he had to be that person. (I can’t tell you how overjoyed he was. please note the tone of sarcasm).
Through suffering God brought me Elizabeth. Our friendship was created in that space between. We mourned together. We rejoiced together. We suffered miscarriage loss together. We rejoiced in the birth of our children together.
When Coralee was 3 months old, I went shopping with Elizabeth. As we went in and out of the dressing rooms at Buffalo Exchange God reminded me of my heart’s cry for a friend 4 years earlier. I had asked for this specific thing: A best friend who I could go shopping with! This friend, this moment, was an answer to prayer! And it was made possible by the areas of void that were allowed in my life.
2 Samuel 22:7 "In my distress I called upon the LORD, Yes, I cried to my God; and from His temple He heard my voice, And my cry for help came into His ears.”
Home-ownership happened.
During a PINK IMPACT women's conference, Shelly White gave me an excerpt from Isaiah 54 at the Lord’s prompting:
“Sing with joy, you childless women who never gave birth to children. Break into shouts of joy; you women who never had birth pains…Expand the space of your tent. Stretch out the curtains of your tent, and don’t hold back. Lengthen your tent ropes, and drive in the tent pegs. You will spread out to the right and left. Your descendants will take over other nations, and they will resettle deserted cities. Don’t be afraid, because you won’t be put to shame. Don’t be discouraged, because you won’t be disgraced.”
I prayed this verse out loud. Over and over and over. And then, we did just as it said to do, we stretched out our tent stakes: we bought a house! A 4-bedroom house. In faith, we believed that God would fill it! And He has! 6 months after we purchased this home we were pregnant with Coralee!
Healing happened.
A friend Mimi Wilson equipped me with this verse from Isaiah 61:3 after my 3rd miscarriage: “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”
My body has healed. We found an amazing infertility specialist who accurately diagnosed problems, accurately treated them and who prayed with us through it all!! And we have a beautiful daughter as a testimony of that healing!
My emotions are healed. I can talk about the areas of void, without crying. I can remember fondly my previous 3 pregnancies and the babies who are in Heaven without wanting to cry, yell, or punch a wall. I can tell my story…I can get back on my blog and post pictures of my sweet Coralee and of my chocolate raspberry cakes. oh yea!
God has bound my broken heart and He has given me comfort. I have traded in my ashes; my mourning has been replaced with joy. Transformation has happened. A beautiful picture has taken shape in the areas of void. And I am thankful for it.
